My insomnia is back and it’s worse than ever before. I keep pushing everyone away from me because I have these seemingly immovable thorns and spikes on me that will only end up hurting them if they get too close. I’d rather be by myself than with anybody else, although most of the times that’s all just a lie. My heart keeps pounding, throbbing, and aching with this unbearably awkward and miserable pain. My head hurts. My chest hurts. My eyes are bleary. I feel like I have this shortage of oxygen and my panic attacks are starting to come by more frequently now, at the most inconvenient of times. I’ve been clean for almost two years now, but, these days, I can feel myself struggling just to get by. I can almost feel the blade in the drawer of my room tempting me, calling to me. This is like running in circles all over again. Maybe I’m just chasing my own tail.
But, I’m trying to stay the bright candle that I’ve always envisioned myself to be. I’m trying to be strong. I’m slowly getting back into my books and writing, so at least there is that positive thing.
Cheers to pre-semester woes.